Thursday, November 29, 2012

The "Dark Night of The Soul"

The "Dark Night of The Soul"

The "Dark Night of The Soul" is often referred to in twin flame connections (and in spirituality in general) when just before awakening occurs, a person sinks into the deep depths of despair, questioning life, blaming themselves, blaming each other, blaming god for an "unfair" world and the pain they are sufferring. This is a time when a person feels helpless. They are deeply unhappy with their lives, but feel powerless to make positive change. They feel lost, they feel confused, they feel angry and they can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Some people have reported to go through this just before meeting their twin flame. Others say it happened upon meeting their twin flame and feeling like they are powerless to recapture the connection they experienced with them in times of separation.

I personally had my "Dark Night of The Soul" just after becoming aware of the "something" between twin flame and I. Through all the reflected insecurities we would swing back and forth between connecting and repelling each other. It was all happening so quickly and intensely and I couldn't handle it anymore. So I refused to see him for two years, trying to cut the ties, blast away all thoughts of him, find a new man etc to try and get my life "back to normal".

I went through a period of massive self-destruction because we had spent so long fighting and hurting each other that we ended up feeling like awful people. I couldn't believe I could be so cruel and was so ashamed of this side of myself that I had never even known existed. I punished myself by hating myself and would drink to suppress it all - the feelings for him, the feeling of helplessness, the fear of losing him, the MASSIVE fear of losing myself and becoming this horrible person.

We had never wanted to cause each other pain deep down, but our "issues" made us battle each other like we were enemies, which is a common feeling when one first recognises their twin and there is a power struggle as they try to balance themselves and their shared yin/yang. And we felt weak - we felt that our minds should be strong and that we shouldn't be controlled by this "madness". We felt rediculous by still feeling so strongly about each other after all the fighting and pain. Ofcourse we didn't realise that it was neccessary to experience all of this and that what we were feeling was UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

And because we are one, our pain we felt from eachother and our own reactions to the intensity was magnified. My self-loathing made him feel self-loathing and vice-versa, my attempts to abandon him, made me feel like i was abandonning myself and him abandoning me made him feel like he was abandoning himself, but you must understand - WE COULDN'T HELP IT. Our minds and bodies were not nearly as ready as our souls were to reunite.

So the "Dark Night" began as I ran from him and from myself (I didn't know then that I was really running from myself). I didn't know who I was anymore. I felt crazy for loving him, but I couldn't forget him. I couldn't live with him, couldn't live without him. But really it was, I couldn't accept my own insecurities brought up by his reflection, yet I couldn't deny them either (deny myself).

But I did try to deny him and myself. I thought it would all just go away in time and I could get back to "normal". I became numb - I shut my feelings down because i literally couldn't take it. I repressed myself so much that I became very depressed. The alcohol made it worse, but I had become addicted by then. I could see it in him too - he just looked like a ghost, which is how I felt too - empty inside, a dead person walking. We felt defeated. I found myself doing hurtful things to myself just so i could FEEL again.

But none of this was a "mistake". It was necessary for us both to feel rock bottom in order to be able to realise we could survive the deepest depths of despair and fear and that we were still OK. When I realised I couldn't take feeling this way anymore, I HAD to start listening to the signs sent from my spirit guide (I tried to deny their existence for a LONG time). I had to listen to the knowing feelings in my heart, the love I felt in my soul. I'd got to the point where I had no-where else to turn. I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to live this way either. I had reached the deepest depths and then realised I had no other choice but to ACCEPT this connection, whatever it was. I began to think, "Okay, so what if I just allow myself to go with this for a time and see what happens? It can't be any worse than this, surely?" The messages from my guides had become so strong that I had finally plucked up the courage to follow their guidance, to listen to my intuition.

And from that moment onward, I felt so FREE. I rapidly began awakening to my spirituality and very soon afterwards discovered the term "twinsouls" which helped me to begin to understand it all. It all made so much sense to me. Knowing that my twinsoul and I are connected for eternity helped me release my fears immensley.

My story is no exception - I hear of many who report they went through this "Dark Night" before they awakened. It is often neccessary to hit rock bottom in order for twins to SURRENDER to their soul consciousness that is coming into awakening. Awakening occurs in perfect time and we, nor anyone or anything in the universe can prevent it. It just depends how long we are willing to live in the shadows of our egos and deny it all. The truth is though, that we cannot deny it forever. The time will come when we just have to go with it. Sometimes the pain has to become so great before we will accept this other way into the light.

It will happen in perfect time for everyone. It will happen when the hard lessons of resistance have been learnt and we are ready to move onto our true destinies of union with all things.

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